Personal injury lawyer and female entrepreneur Leah Wise can more than afford to pay her own bills. Still, her husband pays 100 percent of their household expenses. “We don’t split any shared bills between each other,” she confirms. “The bills I cover pertain to me and my businesses only.”
Both Wise and her husband identify as “very progressive,” and these days, couples commonly split the bills. Indeed, a recent CNBC survey found that most couples contribute a percentage toward the bills according to their ability to pay, rather than each paying 50 percent.
Wise earns over $1 million per year as the owner of more than one successful business. So what gives with this novel approach? For Wise, her marriage provides one particular example of how today’s women can honor their own needs, voice them to their romantic partners, and receive the care they deserve.
True feminism is women deciding what works best for them
To be clear, Wise doesn’t think other couples should necessarily follow her approach. “This is a personal preference of mine,” she explains. “Women should make whatever decision makes them happy. If a woman wants to be a stay-at-home wife because that makes her happy, then I support her in that. If a woman wants to provide for her family 100 percent while her husband takes care of the home, then I support her in that as well. There isn’t a ‘right’ arrangement that fits for everyone.”
Wise and her husband came to their present arrangement through open, honest communication. “My husband and I each had conversations early on about what our love languages are so we could try to honor each other in that way,” she explains.
Paying the bills as a language of love
The idea of “love languages” was created by family and marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D. in his 1992 book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.” Chapman noticed that a disconnect can sometimes exist between the kinds of love individuals want to receive and that which they are actually being given by their loved ones.
Over and over again, his patients identified five different things that would make different people feel loved: enjoying physical touch, spending quality time together, being offered gifts, hearing words of affirmation, or receiving acts of service. In short, different people need different things to experience being loved effectively. When one member of a couple doesn’t feel like their love language is being honored and fulfilled, it can create problems in the relationship.
For Wise, having her husband pick up the bills enables her to hear his love. “We decided that he should cover all household expenses because we both know it’s important for me to feel loved and ‘taken care of,’ even though I’m perfectly able to take care of myself financially,” she explains. “I’d rather be ‘judged’ for my preferences than stay quiet and grow to resent my partner because I decided not to communicate my needs.”
That’s not to say these conversations were easy. “It did take a while for him to understand my point of view,” Wise says. “Although we both know I’m perfectly capable of contributing towards our household expenses, I explained to him I’d prefer not to and gave him my reasons. My husband knows that if there were some sort of circumstances that arose where he couldn’t cover our household expenses, I would step in and help. At this time, it’s not necessary, and he understands I feel loved and cared for by not contributing financially.”
Paying the bills to protest the wage gap
Wise and her husband are also mindful of the historical context in which their decision is taking place. “My husband and I both recognize that, for centuries, women have had significantly fewer opportunities to become wealthy, and many laws prohibited women from doing so,” she explains.
For instance, banks could refuse to give women mortgages purely based on their sex as late as 1974. It was also in that same year that women gained the right to apply for their own credit cards. Without the ability to build their credit score and access loans, women’s economic progress was systematically inhibited.
Given this background, one might wonder if women as a class are due reparations. Wise and her husband wouldn’t go that far, however, and point to the necessity of solving the wage gap that continues to undermine women to this day.
Paying the bills to protest the wage gap
“Our stance might be controversial, but we don’t believe women should be required to contribute 50 percent of household expenses until there has been a solution to the wage gap,” Wise says.
According to the Pew Research Center, “The gender pay gap — the difference between the earnings of men and women — has barely closed in the United States in the past two decades. In 2022, American women typically earned 82 cents for every dollar earned by men. That was about the same as in 2002, when they earned 80 cents to the dollar.”
“The wage gap is especially harmful to minority women,” Wise points out. “It’s absurd to expect women to give birth to children, contribute to the paid workforce, and then pay 50 percent of the household expenses. Because women are incredible, many of them can contribute 50 percent towards household expenses, but it doesn’t seem fair for men to require women to do so.”
Indeed, studies show that, in addition to being at a disadvantage due to the wage gap, American women remain responsible for a disproportionate amount of unpaid work around the home. A recent study shows that even in marriages that are called “egalitarian” because the wife pays for roughly half of the household expenses, the women still spend more than twice the time completing domestic work than the men, as well as two hours more per week on tasks related to caregiving.
Wise’s solution raises the possibility that having one’s husband pay the bills could enable more women to receive compensation for all this conventionally uncompensated labor.
Understanding and communicating your own needs
If Wise’s perspective is making you think about your own marriage or partnership, she has some helpful advice.
“The biggest takeaway is communicate,” she says. “Don’t be shy about your financial preferences. If this is going to be the person you spend the rest of your life with, they need to know what your expectations are. If you’re a woman and you know that splitting bills 50/50 is important to you because it helps you feel accomplished, then be very specific with your partner about that. If you know that you prefer not to contribute towards household bills, then make that known as well. This sort of communication can save a lot of heartbreak and arguments between you and your partner and help you determine whether you’ll be compatible in the long run.
“As women, we should not be ashamed about our love language and our needs,” Wise concludes. “Never be afraid that you will ‘scare’ somebody off. If they aren’t meant for you then someone else is.”
